Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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