Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
