I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
