he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
