Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
