Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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