I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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