Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
