Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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