I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
