I wish I could teleport
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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