Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
