Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
