What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize