i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
