I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
