I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
