I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
