It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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