Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
