toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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