my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
there is glitter all over my balls
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
