I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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