Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pants are for mortals
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
