I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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