I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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