I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
