A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize