Betty ford says i'm here all night
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize