If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
