jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
