I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
