i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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