I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize