Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
