Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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