you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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