Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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