i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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