i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
