I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
