miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
