I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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