dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
