glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize