Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
