Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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