I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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