1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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