Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
