I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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