the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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