You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
