Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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