If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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