If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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