I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
