They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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