I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
