our cab driver is having phone sex.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
