Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
