How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
