New low: just hacked my moms facebook
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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