It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
