I checked into jail on foursquare
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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