Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
