when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize